eskatological volumes

7.07.2003

 
08:24

thurs night malachi and kimbelry came over to eat out at outback with us; we were celebrating kimberly's end of first term summer classes. i think that's what it was. a good time was had, and they came over to the apt afterwards and we showed them too many pictures and they left after a while. friday ed and trish offered to take us to julie's family's 4th of july thing, so we carpooled with them. doing so meant i wasn't going to the commune party that afternoon/night, which made me feel bad. fri night julie and i just sat on the couch and watched the fireworks that were happening downtown on a&e. sat we did absolutely nothing. watched tv and stayed in bed most all day. putting a tv in the bedroom was prolly a very bad idea. sunday we got some groceries early in the day and that was about it for sunday too. read some harry potter in the evening up till bedtime.
i feel kinda hollow and numb this morning. monday mornings are never great for me, but today it's only going to be me and one other guy on the phones. unless our boss puts some of the other ppl on the phones with us. and M still isn't going to be back till thurs. i wish i wasn't such a baby over these things. i have it rather good compared to many ppl in this world. but reading the passage from glamorama in doug's journal this morning made me think back to when i was reading american psycho, had too much fight club in my mind, and was listening to kid a and ok computer way too much. it's sick how my mind seems to be drawn towards feeling dark. i know i won't like how i feel once i get there, but it seems to have a rush of excitement when i think about bad things like that. as if my genes were made to crave pain and punishment. it's a very hard thing to fight. i just want to be able to go to work and not be filled with dread and despair about it. but i wonder if that's possible for me. will i just continually feel this way about any job? find things to torture myself with any place i go and with anything i do?
i probably shouldn't have made a post on monday morning; i'm usually a bit out of my head at this time.

music: mazzy star - into dust