eskatological volumes

2.12.2003

 
10:33

so late last night i got to reading something positive cause a couple of friends had seem surprised that i wasn't already reading it. and while reading i started to notice how everyone says davan is so anti-social. but, i act/feel the way he does in those instances. so then it starts to hit me how anti-social i just may be. i pretty much always hate going anywhere, ppl drain me, i'd much rather sit here in my apt...and the scary thing is that i do. i'll sit here for days and not really contact anyone. maybe a quick IM/email/IRC conversation, but most of the time i tend to have no desire to really see anyone at all. and it's not like i don't like seeing my friends...i just..it doesn't seem like i have the motivation to ever start anything on my own. i'm always seeing ppl because of some event, or because i'm going with someone else. also, last night i wanted to listen to fog from radiohead and this part of the lyrics kind of haunted me at the time: there's a little child / running round this house / and he never leaves / he will never leave ... how did you go bad? / did you go bad? / did you go bad? / somethings will never wash away. and at the time it brought up these odd feelings of how i'll always be the same person, and i can't ever really change much about myself, and how i have to own up to all the shit i hate about myself (which would be most everything), but that was kind of late last night and i don't strongly remember any cohesive thoughts from then by now.
still waiting to hear about any job shit. everyone keeps saying 'they say they just need a bit more time to approve this/that/the other blah blah fucking blah'. *sigh* fucking cocksmacks.
i'm suppose to have lunch with 'new amy' tomorrow (at her request, to reflect the earlier thoughts of this entry).