eskatological volumes

12.05.2002

 
16:27

*sigh*
well, doug icq'ed me at 7am this morning to tell me he got the job in huntsville.
...
i was happy for him. that he got a job doing what he wants to do..at least i think it's doing what he wants to do, but ...i don't want him to go. it's totally selfish of me. but i'm horrible at keeping up with friends once they move off and i can't stand to think of the same thing happening with doug. and to be really selfish, it's gonna totally screw up the dynamic of going home on the weekends to see my parents as i almost always spend some time with doug as to not be with my parents the entire time i'm there. but, after julie and i are married i don't guess i'll be going back home like i do now anyway. and that too makes me sad. i just don't want to lose any more ppl. i'm so fucking bad about thinking 'i'll email them tomorrow', or 'i'll give them a call next week..i've got too much going on this week.' and before you know it, 8 months have passed and i've not talked to this person i use to care so much about. i don't guess i can expect to go through my entire life and never lose a friend, or not grow apart, or whatever..but i just don't want it to happen again. not now. not this time.
at this point, most of you are prolly thinking, 'well you fucking numnut, don't _let_ it happen.' and i guess that's true. doug is on icq/email/hippie commune/etc moreso than the other ppl i've grown distant with, so maybe it won't be as likely to happen. heh, and planning the wedding will be a bit more complicated now. and using doug's sound equipment may be a good bit out of the question too.
but doug may be stopping by my place tonight; he went down to huntsville today to talk to some ppl there and if it times out right he'll stop by my place on the way back. and i reckon julie plans on spending the night at my place tonight and friday night. and sat night too i would imagine. hope she packed enough.

blah. why do i always have to find the bad in things and focus on them.

i found this on a girl's livejournal the other night and felt...i dunno..somewhat the same.
So i am wondering about motivation. why do girls complain innocently about their weight? why do i? why do i think that i shouldn't eat. what is my motivation for letting the world know one statement, one missed meal at a time that i am fully aware that i am fat. is it just to let them know that i am aware? Is myself worth based in this? My initial reaction is to think that some girls who aren't overweight at all, who are almost skinny complain about their weight searching for some affirmation or reassurance. but i am drawn lately to wonder if it is because they feel pressured from the inside or because this is some learned behavior being instructed to them from media, well meaning mothers or the covers of countless magazines every time they go to the store. is this the reason behind every girl who hates themselves when they look in the mirror, or is there more?

Have the steps of the women's movement been so in vain that well educated, socially conscious girls like me are still stuck hating themselves, wishing never to have to eat again. i was compelled to think, almost sarcastically, by a recent entry from springache and to borrow two sentences I'm unable to tell if I'm overweight or just right. I don't seem to be able to tell. I'm just going to keep on losing weight until there's hardly any fat on me. , so why stop there, as women why don't we all loose weight until we disappear? I feel like that sometimes. There must be a way to break this cycle of self-hatred. Naomi Wolf tells us in the beauty myth, that hunger silences people and is one of the best forms of social control for keeping women subdued. That thought empowered me and kept my head high but even that sometimes is not enough. Who is that voice telling me I don't deserve to eat?

We all know the words. We have heard them a thousand times. Beauty is on the inside and that is all that matters.This is more than beauty or vanity. This is personal. Accepting everyone for who they are but myself. And even though I am tired of being reminded verbally by people that i shouldn't eat that, tried of seeing tv shows that are proud of themselves for the size fourteen "fat woman" they graciously are showing, and tired of being told every time i open my e-mail inbox or wait in line to by groceries that i can loose ten pounds easily and that said ten pounds is secret to being happy with my body. Blaming well meaning mothers, television media, or magazines isn't enough either. This is personal. This is simply more than what we look like, this is far more.

If i lost every bit of weight i ever carried would that be enough and would my thoughts stop? Is obsessing over weight just a slow suicide of my soul or what makes me who i am? Do i feel as if i owe the world penance for being even being born or am i just afraid of being happy? The hunger that sometimes wakes me up,. the note book with carefully written calories. the times i said no thank you: all evidence. evidence i have done something in my life. This is all control. I never believed anyone who told me that before.

I have never been like this in my life until recently and i am horrified. I am horrified i stop to see how fat i am in car windows and horrified that i weigh myself every day and brush my teeth every time i eat anything. horrified i take diuretics constantly and try to appease self-imposed guilt. horrified that i chew up food sometimes and refuse to swallow or pour vinegar over food so i wont finish it. I am not sure who this is but this is not me. I am the girl who never really cared. The girl who knew better. Just another girl who knows better.