eskatological volumes

9.26.2002

 
22:05

i can't remember if i've mentioned this in the journal before or not..i quickly scanned and didn't see it, but a week or more ago when i first started feeling really tired for no reason, which apparently turned out to be this flu-type thang i got...well when i was first getting tired i was having all these feelings..and memories..or impressions of memories from years ago. from high school. or college. or even childhood. just real wiggy. well, now that the flu/cold symptoms are gone, i still feel woogy like that. i keep having all these urges to listen to cds from high school...which was something else i know i commented about earlier in the journal. and it's been stuff like the cure, certain stuff from coil...well really just love's secret domain. tonight it's miranda sex garden. just all this stuff. and i'm ..moved by it. like i was back then. i use to be really connected to the music i listened to, and slowly that went away. i still enjoy listening to music obviously, but use to almost any album i put on was an emotional experience just waiting to happen. they all had their meanings. their reasons. the appropriate times to be played. anyway, like yesterday morning i was listening to wish from the cure and christ i was just screaming along to the lyrics as i went down the interstate. and i could feel the music inside me. again, like it use to be.
i don't know what the fuck is going on. julie came over last night and said i seemed awful gloomy. i thought i was just tired. but these feelings do go hand in hand with how i use to feel when i was depressed. ...but i'm not depressed about anything. ...possibly just the time of year. i _love_ fall. the chill. the dark grey skies. the leaves blowing along the ground. damp, misty days. could this be affecting me..i dunno. fall hadn't really broken when i started feeling like this. BUT, one of the first few days i did feel like this...my body felt like it was winter. it's hard to explain..as most of this episode is, but sitting in my cube..not really looking outside, i just felt in my bones like it was chilly/cold outside. that winter had come. and i think this is why last weekend seemed to magical..cause i'm just more..emotional..or something.
it's just so wierd to feel like this. it's like eating something you haven't had since you were a kid and the rush of memories and emotions swirling back over you.

so, this weekend we're suppose to start up playing dnd agian. shaft gave the boot to hippie and scott so it seems. hope that went amicably. sadly, we're starting over from level 1...just when i started getting good spells. *dork alert*
gonna see julie tomorrow night, and hope like hell doug makes it back this weekend to play along with us in dnd.

music: miranda sex garden - suspiria (and at this volume, at this hour, i doubt my neigbours are very happy. perhaps i should put the headphones on)